Where is he?

You need him now, but he’s nowhere to be found.

Frustration builds as you search the house, recalling he was just here a moment ago. Could he be…?

With a sinking feeling, you head upstairs, already suspecting the answer.

Your heart sinks as you approach the room with the telltale flickering blue light.

There he is, hunched on the couch, headset on, engrossed in his virtual world. He’s barking orders at invisible teammates, lost in a game that feels more real to him than the life you’re building together.

“Blueeagle, flank him on the left! Bigfish, I’m taking hits! Take him out! Take him out!”

Disgust turns your stomach in knots. What does he get out of this?

None of it’s real!

He could be helping you right now, doing something productive.

But no! He’s out there saving a world that doesn’t exist.

All the while, you feel that it’s your world that needs saving.

A Generation of Gamers

If you identify with this scenario, the stats suggest you’re not alone.

Recent statistics reveal that up to two-thirds of Americans play video games regularly.

Surprisingly, over 75% of gamers are adults, with the average age being 33.

This means many households are dealing with the impact of video gaming on their daily lives and relationships.

“We found every demographic play games, whether it’s on PC, console or mobile device and there’s something for all tastes.” – Stanley Pierre-Louis

With just that statement alone, it’s safe to assume there are a lot of husbands and wives out there struggling with the role of video games in the household.

One thing is for sure. Whatever effects video games are having on marriages, it is an issue that’s here to stay.

So how do you deal with this?

How can you reconnect with your gamer husband?

The Real Problem

Probably the biggest mistake a concerned spouse can make when bringing up the problem of video games with their beloved is to state the problem in terms of the video games themselves.

This approach always devolves into a debate on the merits and vices of the video games in question.

Endlessly, the couple argues on whether the games played have too much violence, sexual content, witchcraft, or other vices such as gambling.

This conversation never ends! Video games are a mishmash of both good and bad content, and almost any content can be justified in a million ways.

You won’t get very far with this approach.

The core issue isn’t the video games themselves or their content.

It’s the neglect of real-world responsibilities and relationships in favor of virtual escapism.

This is where the conversation should be focused.

When your spouse spends hours gaming, what essential parts of your shared life are being ignored? Is it intimacy, household chores, or spiritual growth?

Studies show that the average gamer spends more than 8 hours a week on video games, and this has only increased since then.

Imagine an employer losing 8 hours per week of productivity from a worker!

They’d let that worker go in a heartbeat.

How much more does it hurt a spouse when their partner in life disappears for this amount of time (or more) each week, all in the name of “de-stressing”?

You both got married to be a team in the game of life.

When one of the members of the team keeps tapping out to play in another game, not only does the game of real life suffer, but so does the teammate you left behind.

Abandonment and neglect—these are the real issues.

You can argue all day about whether a certain video game is actually problematic. But if your spouse is feeling neglected by you, at the very least you can’t deny that there is, in fact, a problem that needs to be worked out between you.

Keep the conversation here as you work this out.

Abandonment in Paradise

Video games are not the first nor the primary reason that spouses (particularly men) check out.

From the beginning of time, we see examples of neglect in familial duties, as in the story of Adam and Eve.

Adam’s failure to protect and guide Eve led to disastrous consequences, highlighting the importance of fulfilling a husband’s responsibilities within the family.

So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate. Then the eyes of both were opened, and they knew that they were naked. And they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loincloths.
Genesis 3:5-6 [Emphasis mine]

At the very moment that the serpent is leading Eve into sin, Adam stands by, watching.

What was he doing? What was he thinking?

While the text has little to say regarding Adam’s motives, something is amiss.

Nothing good happens when a husband stands idly by.

This isn’t a sexist pejorative; it is an indictment on male mediocrity and spiritual negligence.

Divine Order. Human Disorder.

There is an order that God gave to the family and to the marriage.

When that order is respected and maintained, both partners are blessed, as well as their children.

But when that order is abandoned, for whatever reason and by whichever party, the results are destructive to the family.

In God’s divine order, man was created with a special role and responsibility in the family.

He also made woman in His image with a special role and responsibility in the family.

Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man; rather, she is to remain quiet. For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor.
1 Timothy 2:11–14

The man was created first, then the woman. Many readers see this and deduce that the man is therefore more important, special, or capable than the woman.

But that is not what it says.

If we read carefully, we see that Paul is not stressing the comparative qualities of husbands and wives.

Rather, he is stressing the order in which they were made.

There was a time gap between the moment Adam received his first breath, and the moment that Eve was fashioned at his side.

Only God knows the time lapse between Adam’s creation and that of his wife, Eve, it is abundantly clear that some time had passed between Adam and Eve’s arrival.

Directly after Adam’s creation and before Eve’s creation, God gave Adam the commandment prohibiting him from eating from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it. And the Lord God commanded the man, saying, “You may surely eat of every tree of the garden, but of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil you shall not eat, for in the day that you eat of it you shall surely die.” Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”
Genesis 2:15–18 [Emphasis mine]

Again, note who received the command of the Lord. It was the man.

Adam was created first. He was the one who received the instructions directly from the mouth of God.

Between Adam and Eve, Adam was the one who knew the command of the Lord firsthand.

This means that he was the one responsible to interpret the command and ensure it was fulfilled in this family.

Now, we see better what Paul is saying in 1 Timothy 2:11-14.

Adam was created first, then Eve.

As the first to be created, Adam received the command firsthand. Eve got the information through Adam, which put her in the position to trust in her husband’s instruction and spiritual diligence.

By saying that Adam was created first, Paul is telling us that Adam wasn’t deceived not because he was smarter than Eve, but because he was the one who had received the instruction.

In other words, Adam knew full well what was happening and decided to allow his family to fall into the trap.

On the other hand, by not having the information firsthand, Eve was sincerely deceived by the serpent’s cunning.

Eve’s deception was not caused by an inherent feminine gullibility or lack of intelligence, as some believe women to be.

The fact of the matter is that Eve’s deception was a result of a lack of firsthand information and then exacerbated by a husband who allowed evil to proceed unchecked.

As a member of the male sex, this is a particularly painful reflection, but you simply cannot stuff this under the rug.

The uncomfortable and often unmentioned truth is that Adam watched his wife struggle with the serpent’s cunning arguments in her disadvantaged position.

Like a man who couldn’t be bothered to save the life of a drowning child, Adam watched his wife slip below the icy waters of sin.

The Meaning of Being First

Adam was the one created first and one who had firsthand knowledge straight from the divine source.

Because of Adam’s status as the first, his was the privilege and responsibility to protect, to instruct, to cover, and to cheer his wife on in living in the beauty of holiness.

In Christ, both male and female have been redeemed from the curse of the law. In this way, “there is no male or female… in Christ Jesus.” Galatians 3:28

However, the divine order establish by Creator God in the garden of Eden remains.

Man is created first, then woman.

By this logic therefore, man is to be the one to receive divine instruction and teach it diligently to his wife and children.

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word…
Ephesians 5:25–26

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. 7 You shall teach them diligently to your children.
Deuteronomy 6:6–7

This is the order for blessing in the marriage and family.

Whether the man breaks it through negligence or the woman through usurpation, the blessing is also broken.

To keep this blessing in place, the man must take his place, and the woman must support him in this.

Adam, where are you?

Why did Adam let her fall? Why did he neglect his duty to her and his family to be the first?

We may never know, but there are clues in Genesis 3 that point us in the general direction.

And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and the man and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man and said to him, “Where are you?” And he said, “I heard the sound of you in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked, and I hid myself.” He said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten of the tree of which I commanded you not to eat?” The man said, “The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.”
Genesis 3:8-12

God asks the man where he is. As many others have pointed out, God is not confused as to Adam’s location.

This appears to be a rhetorical question that is asking Adam where he is spiritually, emotionally, and relationally with God.

When God asks him about the sin, Adam immediately throws the blame on his spouse.

So quickly does he do this, that it appears to be premeditated.

To my reading, Adam was using Eve’s weakness as an excuse so that he could then fall into disobedience with her.

He knew all the time what she was doing, and instead of stepping in, he watched her fall in her ignorance.

The plan was to look the hero when he jumped headlong into the pit after her.

As I see it, Adam thought he could take advantage of his wife’s natural ignorance in his own defense.

Original Sin Still Remains

Of course, we see this marital dynamic play out again and again in our Christian marriages today.

Men watch passively while their wives and children fall into spiritual disarray, unwilling to lead the way in prayer, Bible study, and Church participation.

Then, when the fruit of this spiritual disorder come into the open (division, strife, arguments, grumbling, violence, disobedience, etc.), the man will often blame his wife of being the source of the disharmony.

So great is the stress that she has caused, that the man needs to get away, to hide behind the bushes of his work, his friends, his hobbies, or in this case, his video games.

And it’s in these places of hiding that God calls out to us men as He did to Adam.

“Son, where are you?”

Getting Back in Order, Getting Back to Blessing

In the order of creation, we see that man was to receive the Word of the Lord and then to give the Word to his wife.

He was created to be the head, that is, the first, of his household. He is to be the first to receive instruction and give instruction.

The man is to be the first to pray, to praise, to receive, and to teach.

This is the order for blessing in a marriage and in a family.

So, what’s so bad about video games?

Can they lead to a sinful inner life full of lustful fantasies, violent imaginations, and magical incantations?

They certainly can.

But this is probably not what the real problem is when it comes to your Christian husband’s video game habit.

More than likely, your husband is not being demonized by video games…

It’s more likely that they are merely the bush he is hiding behind.

Insomuch as video games distract him from taking his place in the divine order, they are very harmful.

So let your conversation with him be more about how you need him to take his rightful place as the leader of your home and the primary teacher showing his family the way through his faithful example.

Practical Steps Towards Reconnection

Here are some practical tips to help you reconnect with your gamer husband and support him in his important leadership role.

Pray for Him

Consistently pray for your husband, asking God to give him wisdom, strength, and guidance in his roles.

Pray that your gamer has an encounter with God, and kindly, patiently encourage him to take his place so that you can take yours.

Pray for specific areas where he may be struggling, whether it’s with work, parenting, or his spiritual life.

Encourage Open Communication

As with all communication, there are two parts to this.

First, express your needs clearly. It is likely that what you think is abundantly clear isn’t so obvious to him.

Clearly communicate your needs and expectations in a loving and respectful manner.

Second, listen actively. Encourage him to share his thoughts, struggles, and concerns without fear of judgment.

Active listening is a skill that involves hearing what your husband says and then repeating it back to him until he confirms that he feels you truly understand.

This isn’t always easy to do, but it is one of the first steps towards coming together and understanding each other.

Even if you don’t convince your husband to give up his games (and you probably won’t), that’s okay!

Remember, games aren’t the core problem. The disconnect and distraction are the issue.

Clear communication will break the disconnect and bring healing to the relationship.

Show Appreciation

It’s hard to take criticism when you feel unappreciated.

Your husband will probably not care what you have to say until he knows that you see and care about all that he has done well as your husband (and father, if that’s the case).

If you don’t show him your appreciation, you’ll end up being like Solomon’s wife—and believe me, you don’t want to end up like her!

It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.
Proverbs 21:9

And…

It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.
Proverbs 21:19

So, regularly affirm and appreciate his efforts and contributions, both big and small.

Pro Tip: Do this in public. He’ll love it. Just be sure that you’re sincere. 😁

Lead by Example

Demonstrate your own commitment to spiritual growth through regular prayer, Bible study, and church involvement.

Help him initiate family devotions. Participate showing enthusiasm and commitment so that he knows that you’re in this with him.

Set Boundaries Together

During your times of conversation and active listening, work together to set boundaries for technology use, ensuring it doesn’t interfere with family time and responsibilities.

Prioritize regular family time where everyone is present and engaged, free from distractions. If need be, schedule it on the calendar!

Practice Patience and Grace

Understand that growth and change take time. Be patient with the progress.

Make sure that your tone and words are kind, uplifting, and respectful as you speak the truth of your heart and your need for your husband.

Extend grace and forgiveness when he falls short, just as Christ does for us.

Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Matthew 18:21-22

By implementing these steps, you can effectively support your husband in becoming the spiritual leader of your home, fostering a stronger, more unified family grounded in faith.

To stay up-to-date with more reflections on marriage, family, and the Scriptures, subscribe to our newsletter here!